Sunday 12 March 2023

Eating Was A Mistake

By Mike Parker

Deep down inside I know that eating is a mistake.  I will just either end up over eating my self set limit or I will have to battle with feelings of hunger.  Despite this, sometimes I have to eat because I must do to survive or I'm worried about food going off.  Fortunately, more often than not, ana comes to my rescue and slays the hunger.

One of the reasons I like being anorexic, is the way ana has the ability to just switch off my hunger.  She has become like a friend, a moot if you will, that turns up in the nick of time to slay any evil feelings of hunger.  She is like a saint supporting me to fast and feel closer to God.  She is with me in the supermarket protecting me from temptations that will lead me to over eat.  You don't need that she says. You don't have to eat it is best to not even look at them, she says.  What happened when you last ate, she says. In my mind she is as elegant and graceful as she is deadly.

Inevitably, I have to eat at some point, which then leads to the desire to over eat as I said earlier.  As a result, I have developed tactics to combat the nagging hunger. 

  • Drink a small amount of vinegar.  Sip it slowly or it will make you choke. 
  • Eat a small amount of ground cinnamon. 
  • Have a glass of water, tea, coffee, low cal soft drink.
  • Brush teeth.
  • Sniff water from the cistern of the toilet.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Workout. 
  • Take a shower.
  • Pray the rosary.
  • Clean the house. 

How my brain tries to coax me into eating.  

Yes, it is like a war between my conscious will and unconscious desire to eat.

Intrusive thoughts. 

These are thoughts appearing in my mind without any conscious invocation; I just start thinking about food without intending or wanting to.


These will usually take one of either two forms although the content is always the same: food! The hallucinations are seeing food out of the corner of my eye, which is less common or more common is the smell of food.  While fasting, I might see images of food in my mind. This is the type of intrusive thought I mentioned earlier, but sometimes I will be convinced that I can smell food such as bacon despite being a vegan for years. I will of course think I can smell other foods such as bananas, chocolate, roast potatoes or bread for instance. 

As soon as I start to experience the nagging feeling of hunger I try one or more of the tactics I listed earlier.  If I can smell food, that is a little more difficult to deal with but I can cope with it.  It is difficult because it stops me from concentrating on what it is I'm doing at the time.  

When I give in

If I give in, there is a real danger of eating loads for me, such as 800 cal in an hour.  This happened to me the other night when I planned to eat after a two-day fast.  I thought I could get away with it, but I should have known better.  I had hopped to eat just a little and then go back into the fast.  However, I just ended up eating way too much.   

I have already mentioned why I usually give in, but there is another thing that leads to me over eating and that is if I drink alcohol.  This will more than likely lead to eating way too much.  

What happens to you?