Sunday 26 February 2023

Anorexia Getting Worse

At current, I just can't stand life.  I hate myself and all my relationships seem to be going wrong.  Some people are arguing with me over food while others are just making insensitive remarks about me.  Subsequently, I am feeling drained!  It has been a long time since I felt this lonely in my disorder and the pain of eating and then having to work it off is getting to me.  It is like I just can find any peace at all or even find the time to do fun things.  I'm either trying not to think about food or I'm working out to get rid of the food I just ate.  

Other times I feel great!  If I am losing the weight and finding it easy, I feel good about myself and seem to glow.  I find everyone wants to talk to me but they are not always friendly.  Sometimes I seem to attract unwanted attention from perverts that keep trying to touch me and I hate that.  They always say they don't mean anything by it, but they are not touching anyone else only me.  I hate it when people do that. 

There are even times when I start to like the way my body looks.  For instance, when I can see my bones! However, I still don't like my ribcage because it is too big.

Sometimes staring myself just seems so easy while other times I just feel like some sort of monster that just can't stop eating.  I never purge by vomiting, but I will workout in an attempt to compensate. 

Eating disorder awareness week is coming up and I am dreading it.  It starts on the 27th of Feb this year and will usually be all about women.  However, on the odd occasion men do get a mention, it will be all stereotypes and basically just hating on men with eating disorders labelling us all gay and just making things worse. 

The only thing I have right now is the joy of feeling my ribs and hip bones.