Tuesday 7 March 2023

I Hate Myself For Wanting To Eat

By Mike Parker

Sometimes when I get up, I feel hungry instead of sick. This is not a good sign.  Before I start, I notice how peaceful this morning is.  I can hear nothing but the sound of the birds and the buzzing fridge.  As I sit here in this state of calm it begins to change into feelings of sadness because I realise I am going to eat breakfast. 

You might think that breakfast is something to look forward to, but to me, it is the first failure of the day.  Despite this, I make breakfast and eat it while experiencing a sense of pleasure, guilt, and shame all mixed up together like my cereal milk and sweetener.  I focus in on the birds chirping away outside happily and I realise they have no idea of what I had done the night before.  No one knows what I did except me.  I allowed hunger to get the better of me and I ate large amounts of food.  Maybe not as much as a binge, but enough to ruin my progress.  All that hard work erased in one evening.  Subsequently, I hate myself to death.  That is when I just want to cry into my heart shaped bowl and over my heart shaped plate.  No one is ever going to love me.  

While still in this dreadful mood, I try to drag myself through a compensatory workout that never seems enough and just adds to my feelings of worthlessness and stupidity.  I want to just give up and cry, yet something is dragging me along even though I am constantly experiencing hateful negative thoughts about myself.  It is almost like someone is in the room with me running me down and hating on me.  There is no point in trying because even if I do lose weight, I'm so ugly no one will care.  I might as well be dead.  Why did I eat all that food last night?  Why did I have breakfast this morning?  I'm so stupid! 

I now have to go out today and face people.  Everyone is going to notice something is wrong and then they will ask the question I dread, 'Are you ok?'  How should I answer?  What will I say?  Should I lie and say everything is fine, or should I tell them the truth?  If I tell them the truth, they will never understand. They will just come out with the usual derogative remarks such as, 'You are ungrateful' or 'There are people in the world with less than you!'  Such remarks only serve to make me feel worse. So I will either lie, or just try to avoid them.  Sometimes, I will do my best to make myself seem unapproachable, so people just leave me alone.  To the casual observer, I just look calm or lonely or down in the dumps; however, on the inside, I am in a fight with people trying their best to destroy my feelings of self-worth and these people do seem real to me.  If I just keep my head down, maybe no one will notice me.